Definition of Desire
by apurplepatch
Summary: Written to absorb and cope with episode 3x21 Desire. Begins within that episode and continues on its own path. Meredith&Derek.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Grey's Anatomy or Patrick Dempsey. I merely own this particular combination of words - apart from some of the dialouge quoted towards the end of this chapter.

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_**Desire** A word whose shades of meaning range from mere animal desire to that of cosmic kama or eros which "first arose in It," bringing spirit into union with matter and giving rise to the creation or emanation of various classes of beings. It can also be lofty spiritual aspiration, the yearning upwards with the undying desire for the divine, or impersonal love, or again, the urge to become united or one with others. Many words overlap it in meaning, such as will, attraction, love, and cupidity, and it is generally used as a translation of the Sanskrit kama. _

_Philosophically, it is often synonymous with abstract will, as when kama is called sometimes desire and sometimes will, so that will and desire seem to blend into one on the higher ranges. In the saying, behind will stands desire, will is a colorless force set in motion by desire, much as a current is set up by an electromotive force. From another viewpoint, will, as an abstract motor in the human constitution, arises from the higher or spiritual-intellectual ranges of the kama principle itself, for "Will and Desire are the higher and lower aspects of one and the same thing"_

Meredith sat on her couch in her dark empty house and waited.

Izzie was on call, Alex was god knows where and Derek hadn't come home. Again. For the fourth night in a row, she would be sleeping alone.

It was true, absence did make the heart grow fonder. Derek had been driving her crazy, following her all over the hospital to check up on her and "hovering" constantly - not in the good way he hovered in bed in the annoying if I wasn't your boyfriend I'd be your stalker kind of way.

So she'd tried to start a conversation - a conversation about them and the situation that she had no idea how to start. She'd never done the whole relationship thing before, so she'd spent the day making sure Derek knew exactly where she was at each and every second - and sure, she had been mocking him slightly, but she really didn't know how to make things right between them, he was the one who knew how to have a relationship, all Meredith had in her relationship history was an absent mother and a series of one night stands.

But he still wasn't here - still wasn't taking her calls. She sighed, and made the decision if Mohammad wouldn't come to the mountain, Meredith was going to have to go to Derek.

Quickly she changed into nice clothes, packed an overnight bag and ran down to her Jeep, before heading off to find her man.

She pulled up a few meters from the trailer and steeled herself, checking her hair in the mirror before opening the door and heading towards his lair. She left the overnight bag in the Jeep, no point taking it in if she and Derek decided to go home again tonight.

His greeting was less than enthused to see her - it broke her heart a little, but she tried to joke him out of it, the same way they'd done to each other a thousand times before.

Derek barely responded, wouldn't meet her eyes, pulled away from her touch, and she made another snap decision maybe the only way left for them to connect was the way they originally connected, through sex.

"...and now I'm getting in your bed naked" she challenged him as she slipped beneath the sheets, his gaze still chilled her, but a spark of desire shone through even as he shook his head, and then a tired smile crept over his face. The spark was enough to encourage her to keep trying. She beckoned him closer and slowly, after a moment he stood and joined her in the bedroom, standing at the end of the bed and watching her for a few moments. She licked her lips, and he crawled up the bed towards her, claiming her lips in a violent bruising kiss.

Together they tore at his clothing, hungry for the connection. Meredith purred with satisfaction, kicking the covers down and pulling him on top of her, his hands touched her in all the right places, did all the right things, but somewhere, deep in the back of her mind she could feel a difference in his touch, she pushed it away and drowned herself in him.

He held her hands above her head and plunged into her, dominating her as he held her semi-helpless beneath him. She undulated, angling her hips to increase the friction lifting a leg to wrap it around his hip and found release. Derek continued to thrust and but released her hands, she ran them over his back, and with a little maneuvering convinced him to roll onto his back, to let her take control. Time blurred into a mass of hands and mouths and skin and the dizzying plunging heights of lust.

Together they plunged over the ledge and into release, and collapsed on the bed together a tangled mess of limbs. As the heat between them cooled Derek untangled himself from her and stared up at the ceiling. She rolled onto her side and watched him, the cold nagging of her mind suddenly back at the forefront of her consciousness.

She watched him silently for nearly 10 minutes, before she couldn't take the silence anymore, he just stared at the ceiling blindly but obviously unhappy.

"Now see you can't do that!"

"Do what?" he replied, still staring at the ceiling as if he was trying to wish her away.

"Not look happy after sex, its bad for the ego" she tried joking again, hoping that the McDreamy parts of his personality would suddenly reappear and everything would be okay again.

"I'm fine" he snapped at her. He was really starting to scare her now, he still hadn't looked at her since they'd finished making love and he'd pulled away.

"Are we fine?"

"Sure." His reply was...

"Not so convincing" He rubbed at his forehead as if pained, but stared out through the skylight into the night, as if he could stare long enough and hard enough she'd just disappear and he wouldn't have to deal with this conversation.

"I shouldn't have accused you of hovering. It wasn't nice, you were just trying to be there for me." That at least provoked a sigh, but he still didn't look at her.

"But now i'm being available, communicating and getting naked and doing all of your favorite things." She played the sex card again, he almost looked at her, and smiled slightly - the first positive reaction she'd received since the alarm bells started ringing in her mind.

"hmm, good things"

"Then why are you still staring at the ceiling?"

"I don't know" He threw his hands up. "I just..." Meredith was paralyzed as she realized they'd finally reached the real issue, and horrified by what spewed out of his mouth next. "that day, you came out of the water. I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. I love you and I want you but I don't know... what to... you didn't swim... you didn't swim... and you know how to. and i don't know if i can. I don't know if i want to - keep trying to breathe for you."

She fought to hold back the horror, fought back the sob that threatened to burst from her throat at how badly she'd broken him with that one senseless stupid moment where she'd given up. Denny had told her she'd break him if she didn't comeback from this but she'd broken him even more by giving up for that one moronic second.

He continued to stare at the ceiling, the distance between them felt wider and colder with each second that passed.

"I should go" she said. It was a question really, a plea that he would give her some indication that he didn't really want her to disappear from his life, but right now at this moment perhaps he did want her to disappear.

"I'll go" She said, the pain making the words come out bitter and broken as she realized just how much she'd damaged and how blind she'd been to it all. Letting things fester because of her avoidance and not discussing her experience _on the other side_ or wherever she'd been had probably cost her Derek, and the pain nearly killed her.

She climbed out of the bed, quickly gathering her clothing and throwing her shirt and jeans on and shoving her underwear in her jeans pocket. Derek was still staring at the ceiling, making no move towards her, nothing to indicate he wanted her to stay.

She let the tears flow silently, and slammed the door of the trailer on the way out, she fumbled for her keys as she tried to dash the tears from her eyes so she could see to drive. She dropped her keys as she stepped off the decking into the rain. She bent to pick them up but the pain toppled her, and she fell to the ground, sobbing brokenly in the rain as the heavens opened up.

She lay there, sinking into the sodden ground letting the rain wash over her.

Derek hadn't moved a muscle since she'd gotten out of the bed, he lay there drowning in the depths of his mind.


End file.
